3. Boundaries in Marriage - Townsend and Cloud

This is a great book for married Christians.  Anything in the Boundaries series is worth reading.  As the title implies, this particular one is about boundaries in marriage.  Marriage is one of the closest relationships humans experience so boundaries are critical.    If you feel powerless and stuck in the same fights over and and over again, you'll like this book.  It empowers the reader to focus on what we can control: ourselves.   We can control our...

• feelings
• attitudes
• behaviors
• choices
• limits
• desires
• thoughts
• values
• talents
• love 

We cannot control our spouse...and if you're trying to, it will make both of you miserable.  However, you can control how you respond to your spouse.

Drs. Townsend and Cloud apply the 10 Laws of Boundaries to the marriage situation...

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping.  If you swoop in and save your spouse from consequences, you are denying him/her the opportunity to grow up. Example:  suffering in silence when your spouse hurt your feelings.  Instead communicate and set a limit "When you respond to me with irritation and anger, it hurts my feelings.  In the future, we will walk away until you can discuss this calmly."
2. The Law of Responsibility.   We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.  Don't try to take ownership of your spouse's life.  Example:  "a husband may take on responsibility his wife should be bearing.  FOr example, his wife may be unhappy, and he may feel responsible for her happiness.  Perhaps he feels that he isn't making enough money, showing enough interest in her activities, or helping enough around the house.  So he tries and tries to make an unhappy person happy. This is an impossible project.  While a husband should be sympathetic toward his unhappy wife and take responsibility for his own hurtful behavior, he shouldn't take responsibility for her feelings.  They are hers and she must handle them herself."  If a spouse is overspending, there need to be some limits. "You are responsible for paying off that credit card.  Perhaps you should sell something or get another job."  Etc.
3. The Law of Power. We have no power over other people.  We can't make our spouse grow up or change.  You do have power to change yourself and the way you respond to your spouse.  You have power to confess, submit, and repent of your own hurtful ways.
4. The Law of Respect.   If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we have respect the boundaries of others.  This means you let your spouse have their nos too.   Protect your spouse's freedom of choice.  Don't begrudge your husband his hobbies.  Don't begrudge your wife her time with friends.  This law protects freedom in marriage.
5. The Law of Motivation.  "We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes."  Your choices and boundaries should be value based and not fear based.  Pay attention to your motives.  
6. The Law of Evaluation.  We need to evaluate our boundaries (or lack thereof).    Are they causing injury or pain?  Pain isn't necessarily a bad thing.  For example, saying no to a child may cause some emotional pain, but it PREVENTS injury.    Some pain leads to growth. Is your suffering in silence while doing more chores than your fair share helping anyone grow?  "Sometimes discomfort is an opportunity for growth.   You may need to confront your spouse, give him a warning, or set a consequence.  Do no neglect setting limits in your marriage because of a fear of causing pain.  Pain can be the best friend your relationship has ever had."
7. The Law of Proactivity.  Taking action to solve problems based on your values, wants, and needs.  Proactive people solve problems without having to blow up."  I struggle with this one.  I usually bottle up my feelings, not communicating my boundaries...until I explode in rage.   This particularly comes out as "rage cleaning."
8. The Law of Envy.  If our focus on what others have, we will never focus on what we do have and what we can do.  "Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it is not enough.  We then focus on what others have, all the while resenting them for having good things we don't possess." 
9. The Law of Activity.  "We need to take the initiative to solve our own problems rather than being passive.  Have your ever noticed how some couples are divided into the "active" spouse and the "passive" one?  One spouse takes more initiative, sets goals, and confronts problems.  The other waits for his spouse to make a move first, then responds."  
10. The Law of Exposure.   "A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working."  You have to say something!  "Don't wait for your spouse to take the first step.  Assume the first move is always yours."

Honestly, I feel like I need to read a Boundary book every month.  They are so helpful and empowering  It's easy to focus on the things I can't control, but it is empowering to focus on what I can control!
This is a 5/5 because I will read it again and again.  I may read it slowly, but that's because I need time for the information to soak into my brain so I can apply it!

A Loving Life - Paul E. Miller

A Praying Life by Paul Miller is one of those books that actually changed the way I thought about prayer.  I found it so touching that I was excited to see A Loving Life was also published.   A Loving Life is a short read examining the book of Ruth in the bible and more specifically her hesed (loving-kindness) toward Naomi.

What is love? A passionate, fleeting feeling?  What is our biblical, God-given calling when the person you love is difficult?  This book outlined Ruth's response to such a query.   When Naomi's husband and 2 sons passed away, 3 women were left unprotected in a patriarchal society.  Naomi decided to travel back from Moab to Bethlehem, her home town.  Orpah, upon Naomi's urging, quickly abandoned the journey to stay in Moab with her family.  Ruth cannot be persuaded to leave Naomi even though it means the loss of her family, culture, and home for an unknown and unstable future.  Her sacrificial love for Naomi exemplifies hesed and models Christ's love for his people.  I enjoyed reading insight into the culture of the day and learned many things I had never known about the familiar story of Ruth and Naomi. 

Miller's anecdotal style made this book easy to read with many applications to real life.   If you are struggling to love someone who is ...not very lovable, this book will be an encouragement to you! 

Mom Enough

10 years ago if you had asked me how I felt about mother hood, I would have said it was a goal secondary to pursuing my career. “I could never be a stay-at-home-mom…I’d go crazy.”  Who knew that the moment I held my first little baby after a long, exhausting, and painful day of labor, my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces and then reassembled in a manner more complicated and beautiful than ever before?  In that moment, my life changed dramatically.  My husband and I fell in love with this tiny creature who immediately wrapped her tiny fingers around my finger…and my heart.  Then…the mommy wars started pressuring me…

How could you possibly go back to work?  Did you breastfeed for over a year?  You should try baby wearing…how could you put your baby in a stroller?  Do this, not this.   The judgment and pressure from society can be simply overwhelming and can suck some of the joy out of motherhood. 

This book is a delightful collaborative effort among 7 mothers to provide women with a godly view of motherhood.  So are you "mom enough?"  The answer to this question according to this book is a resounding NO.  No...you are not mom enough on your own, but God is infinitely more than you could imagine.  Together with God, you are mom enough.

"And somehow, in God’s mathematics of grace: Mom (never enough) + God (infinitely enough) = Mom enough"

The book is formatted in easy to read, short, digestible chapters.  It reads much like a collaborative blog.  Each woman brings her own unique perspective and insight.  It starts out with a chapter on “Motherhood is a Calling.”  Our culture is afraid of servitude, afraid of living a life of sacrifice for another, and afraid that you won’t be able to accomplish your life goals if you are a mother.  As a Christian mother, our calling is more than a call to a life of resentful drudgery, but instead a way to model Jesus’ sacrificial love to our children and to the world through motherhood.  Jesus loves the little children. 

The rest of the book covers a variety of subjects from motherhood as a mission, maintaining an eternal view, trusting God with your children, prayer, letting go of society’s impossible standards, embracing love, ending the Mommy Wars, practicing Grace, and an treasure box of other topics.  It is the perfect combination of conviction and grace.   I highly recommend it to any Christian mother, and it would make a great baby shower gift.

Did I mention you can read it for free?   You can download the entire book at

http://www.desiringgod.org/books/mom-enough

A Praying Life - by Paul E. Miller

As I go to sleep, I've been reading this book to help me unwind and refocus.  This book is different from other books on prayer that I've read.  It's real. It's honest.  It's gritty.  It's practical.  Miller identifies common barriers to an effective prayer life including a tiny attention span, distractions, and feeling like you are too far disconnected from God to pray.   He explains what a child-like faith in prayer actually means in real life.  Miller uses anecdotes from his personal life to communicate practical tips on prayer.  My favorite part of the book was his explanation on prayer cards.  After reading about the first mention of these cards, I promptly skipped ahead to the chapter describing them and made prayer cards for my family, church, and country.  Finally...a way to pray that fits my scattered, tired thoughts in between late night diaper changes and feedings!  This is a great book for anyone (ie...every Christian) who struggles with prayer.   I highly recommend it.