3. Boundaries in Marriage - Townsend and Cloud

This is a great book for married Christians.  Anything in the Boundaries series is worth reading.  As the title implies, this particular one is about boundaries in marriage.  Marriage is one of the closest relationships humans experience so boundaries are critical.    If you feel powerless and stuck in the same fights over and and over again, you'll like this book.  It empowers the reader to focus on what we can control: ourselves.   We can control our...

• feelings
• attitudes
• behaviors
• choices
• limits
• desires
• thoughts
• values
• talents
• love 

We cannot control our spouse...and if you're trying to, it will make both of you miserable.  However, you can control how you respond to your spouse.

Drs. Townsend and Cloud apply the 10 Laws of Boundaries to the marriage situation...

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping.  If you swoop in and save your spouse from consequences, you are denying him/her the opportunity to grow up. Example:  suffering in silence when your spouse hurt your feelings.  Instead communicate and set a limit "When you respond to me with irritation and anger, it hurts my feelings.  In the future, we will walk away until you can discuss this calmly."
2. The Law of Responsibility.   We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.  Don't try to take ownership of your spouse's life.  Example:  "a husband may take on responsibility his wife should be bearing.  FOr example, his wife may be unhappy, and he may feel responsible for her happiness.  Perhaps he feels that he isn't making enough money, showing enough interest in her activities, or helping enough around the house.  So he tries and tries to make an unhappy person happy. This is an impossible project.  While a husband should be sympathetic toward his unhappy wife and take responsibility for his own hurtful behavior, he shouldn't take responsibility for her feelings.  They are hers and she must handle them herself."  If a spouse is overspending, there need to be some limits. "You are responsible for paying off that credit card.  Perhaps you should sell something or get another job."  Etc.
3. The Law of Power. We have no power over other people.  We can't make our spouse grow up or change.  You do have power to change yourself and the way you respond to your spouse.  You have power to confess, submit, and repent of your own hurtful ways.
4. The Law of Respect.   If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we have respect the boundaries of others.  This means you let your spouse have their nos too.   Protect your spouse's freedom of choice.  Don't begrudge your husband his hobbies.  Don't begrudge your wife her time with friends.  This law protects freedom in marriage.
5. The Law of Motivation.  "We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes."  Your choices and boundaries should be value based and not fear based.  Pay attention to your motives.  
6. The Law of Evaluation.  We need to evaluate our boundaries (or lack thereof).    Are they causing injury or pain?  Pain isn't necessarily a bad thing.  For example, saying no to a child may cause some emotional pain, but it PREVENTS injury.    Some pain leads to growth. Is your suffering in silence while doing more chores than your fair share helping anyone grow?  "Sometimes discomfort is an opportunity for growth.   You may need to confront your spouse, give him a warning, or set a consequence.  Do no neglect setting limits in your marriage because of a fear of causing pain.  Pain can be the best friend your relationship has ever had."
7. The Law of Proactivity.  Taking action to solve problems based on your values, wants, and needs.  Proactive people solve problems without having to blow up."  I struggle with this one.  I usually bottle up my feelings, not communicating my boundaries...until I explode in rage.   This particularly comes out as "rage cleaning."
8. The Law of Envy.  If our focus on what others have, we will never focus on what we do have and what we can do.  "Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it is not enough.  We then focus on what others have, all the while resenting them for having good things we don't possess." 
9. The Law of Activity.  "We need to take the initiative to solve our own problems rather than being passive.  Have your ever noticed how some couples are divided into the "active" spouse and the "passive" one?  One spouse takes more initiative, sets goals, and confronts problems.  The other waits for his spouse to make a move first, then responds."  
10. The Law of Exposure.   "A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working."  You have to say something!  "Don't wait for your spouse to take the first step.  Assume the first move is always yours."

Honestly, I feel like I need to read a Boundary book every month.  They are so helpful and empowering  It's easy to focus on the things I can't control, but it is empowering to focus on what I can control!
This is a 5/5 because I will read it again and again.  I may read it slowly, but that's because I need time for the information to soak into my brain so I can apply it!