19. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Are you fascinated by how the human brain works?  I'm obsessed with books about the brain - specifically how do I hack my brain to live the life I want to live instead of wasting it on social media?  One of my goals this year is live life with intention, and this book is perfect for evaluating the habits that hold me back (or propel me).

Duhigg examines both anecdotes and scientific studies to highlight the effects of habits.   Habits are like the autopilot feature for our lives.   Habits will make or break a person, but most of us don't even pause to think about them.  It is FASCINATING.    Habits occur in the "Habit Loop:" there's a cue, routine, and reward.   Identifying each component of a habit gives you the power to alter the loop.  What is the craving? What is the habit?  What is the reward? 

What is one habit that would dramatically change your life for the better?  Duhigg refers to these habits as keystone habits.  1 habit that has an effect on the whole.  For example, when Paul O'Neill became CEO of Alcoa, he announced they would be focusing on the habit of safety.  Shareholders freaked out because it wasn't what they were expecting.  How is safety going to make them more money?  However, safety was a keystone habit that transformed the company by increasing employee safety (and satisfaction) thus increasing profitability by decreasing workman's comp claims.  As old, dangerous equipment was replaced, quality sky-rocketed.  As employees learned to communicate on-site dangers and problems, communication flourished and, in turn, increased efficiency. 

Duhigg also examines will power and the habits associated with it.  As it turns out, willpower is a finite commodity.  If we use it all up early in the day, we are vulnerable to poor decisions later.   This is of particular interest as a veterinarian.  I used to feel all my decision making power was consumed by work and frequently made poor eating decisions because I just couldn't  find the willpower to eat healthy.  This where habits come in to play.  If you develop the right healthy habits, you don't have to use will power.  You just follow the habit. 

This book is chalked full of meaty, science on the formation and power of habits...but devotes less time to the practical tips of changing your habits.  The appendix is devoted to how to do you own mini-study of your habits.  What's the cue routine, and reward of your habit?   I printed it off to start examining my own bad habits (particularly my stress eating and my "Add to Cart" habits). 

Overall, I give this one a 4/5.  I have the Audible version and it was fun to listen to this one while working out or cleaning.    If you like reading about habits, but want a more practical book Atomic Habits is another great book to read. 

10. How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids -

I listened to this book through Libby and my local library.  It is fun, quick listen.   Jancee Dunn quotes a lot of my favorite researchers including Brene Brown and the Gottman Institute.  If those types of people are you jam, you'll enjoy this book.  It's chalked full of helpful tips and research on relationships.  My favorite take-away:  lower your expectations.  It's better to present and enjoy your family and husband than to obsess over a perfect house.   Dunn is witty and open as she shares anecdotes of her own journey through motherhood and marriage.  I recommend it to friends.

I give it a 3 on my rating scale.  I enjoyed the library book quite a bit, but I don't need to add it to my collection!

8. Atomic Habits - James Clear

I really enjoyed this book.  The main take away is we can change our lives by making tiny changes to our daily habits.  He shares tangible steps on changing your habits.  What is the secret of highly productive people?  Why do some people not have to think about productivity as much as others?  It all boils down to habits!   I do a lot of his tips intuitively.  I'm obsessed with my pursuing my goals, and I've started forming daily habits to pursue them.   One technique/concept in the book I found particularly thought provoking was habit stacking.    This starts with a base habit then slowly builds habits on top of the base habit.  For example:  habit 1 is putting work out clothes on when you first get out of bed.  Then building up habits to actually work out.    This is basically carving out a new neural pathway.  Once you start on the pathway, you naturally follow it to the desired result.

This one is a 4.  I might read it again so it's worth having in my collection, but I'm not obsessive about it...so I don't need it both on Audible and Kindle :)

7. Make your Bed - William H. McRaven

This little book is an adaptation of Admiral Raven's commencement speech at University of Texas at Austin.  It's a short read and to the point.   It would make a great gift for graduation.     I enjoyed it, but it's not one I'm going to go back to often.   However, I may gift it to less avid-readers who need inspiration to take control of their lives.   It's full of anecdotal wisdom on making the most out of life, facing challenges squarely, and focusing on what what you can control (ie, making your bed) when life feels out of control. 

I give this one a 3 - a good read, but not one I need in my personal collection.   I will probably pass mine on to someone I feel will benefit from it.

3. Boundaries in Marriage - Townsend and Cloud

This is a great book for married Christians.  Anything in the Boundaries series is worth reading.  As the title implies, this particular one is about boundaries in marriage.  Marriage is one of the closest relationships humans experience so boundaries are critical.    If you feel powerless and stuck in the same fights over and and over again, you'll like this book.  It empowers the reader to focus on what we can control: ourselves.   We can control our...

• feelings
• attitudes
• behaviors
• choices
• limits
• desires
• thoughts
• values
• talents
• love 

We cannot control our spouse...and if you're trying to, it will make both of you miserable.  However, you can control how you respond to your spouse.

Drs. Townsend and Cloud apply the 10 Laws of Boundaries to the marriage situation...

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping.  If you swoop in and save your spouse from consequences, you are denying him/her the opportunity to grow up. Example:  suffering in silence when your spouse hurt your feelings.  Instead communicate and set a limit "When you respond to me with irritation and anger, it hurts my feelings.  In the future, we will walk away until you can discuss this calmly."
2. The Law of Responsibility.   We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.  Don't try to take ownership of your spouse's life.  Example:  "a husband may take on responsibility his wife should be bearing.  FOr example, his wife may be unhappy, and he may feel responsible for her happiness.  Perhaps he feels that he isn't making enough money, showing enough interest in her activities, or helping enough around the house.  So he tries and tries to make an unhappy person happy. This is an impossible project.  While a husband should be sympathetic toward his unhappy wife and take responsibility for his own hurtful behavior, he shouldn't take responsibility for her feelings.  They are hers and she must handle them herself."  If a spouse is overspending, there need to be some limits. "You are responsible for paying off that credit card.  Perhaps you should sell something or get another job."  Etc.
3. The Law of Power. We have no power over other people.  We can't make our spouse grow up or change.  You do have power to change yourself and the way you respond to your spouse.  You have power to confess, submit, and repent of your own hurtful ways.
4. The Law of Respect.   If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we have respect the boundaries of others.  This means you let your spouse have their nos too.   Protect your spouse's freedom of choice.  Don't begrudge your husband his hobbies.  Don't begrudge your wife her time with friends.  This law protects freedom in marriage.
5. The Law of Motivation.  "We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes."  Your choices and boundaries should be value based and not fear based.  Pay attention to your motives.  
6. The Law of Evaluation.  We need to evaluate our boundaries (or lack thereof).    Are they causing injury or pain?  Pain isn't necessarily a bad thing.  For example, saying no to a child may cause some emotional pain, but it PREVENTS injury.    Some pain leads to growth. Is your suffering in silence while doing more chores than your fair share helping anyone grow?  "Sometimes discomfort is an opportunity for growth.   You may need to confront your spouse, give him a warning, or set a consequence.  Do no neglect setting limits in your marriage because of a fear of causing pain.  Pain can be the best friend your relationship has ever had."
7. The Law of Proactivity.  Taking action to solve problems based on your values, wants, and needs.  Proactive people solve problems without having to blow up."  I struggle with this one.  I usually bottle up my feelings, not communicating my boundaries...until I explode in rage.   This particularly comes out as "rage cleaning."
8. The Law of Envy.  If our focus on what others have, we will never focus on what we do have and what we can do.  "Envy is devaluing what we have, thinking it is not enough.  We then focus on what others have, all the while resenting them for having good things we don't possess." 
9. The Law of Activity.  "We need to take the initiative to solve our own problems rather than being passive.  Have your ever noticed how some couples are divided into the "active" spouse and the "passive" one?  One spouse takes more initiative, sets goals, and confronts problems.  The other waits for his spouse to make a move first, then responds."  
10. The Law of Exposure.   "A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working."  You have to say something!  "Don't wait for your spouse to take the first step.  Assume the first move is always yours."

Honestly, I feel like I need to read a Boundary book every month.  They are so helpful and empowering  It's easy to focus on the things I can't control, but it is empowering to focus on what I can control!
This is a 5/5 because I will read it again and again.  I may read it slowly, but that's because I need time for the information to soak into my brain so I can apply it!

Book 15 of 2020: Mindsight by Daniel Siegel

I've been terrible at blogging the books I've read this year, but here we go...   Book 15 was a phenomenal read and combined some of my favorite subjects:  personal growth, how trauma affects the brain, and therapy techniques.   Dr. Siegel walks the reader through basic brain anatomy and function in a manner that helps the reader understand how memories, emotions, and modes of thinking emerge.   He discusses in depth a technique called "mindsight" for integrating the brain.    I highly recommend it.   Some of the information is repeated from his other books, but let's just face it...I have to have new information pounded into my brain. 

I use the "name it to tame it" technique with my children, clients, and myself.  This strategy takes the overwhelming emotions and recruits the higher functions of the cortex to apply a name to the feeling.  This helps someone who has "flipped their lid" (ie, in fight, flight, or freeze mode) to turn the higher circuits of thinking back online.


Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book.
"Well-being emerges when we create connections in our lives - when we learn to use mindsight to help the brain achieve and maintain integration, a process by which separate elements are linked together into a working whole."

"Finding a way to soothe excessively reactive limbic firing is crucial to rebalancing emotions and diminishing the harmful effects of chronic stress.  As we'll see, mindsight can help us recruit the higher areas of the brain to create a 'cortical override' of these limbic reactivities."

"In sum, experience creates the repeated neural firing that can lead to gene expression, protein production, and changes in both the genetic regulation of neurons and the structural connections in the brain.  By harnessing the power of awareness to strategically stimulate the brain's firing, mindsight enables us to voluntarily change a firing pattern that was laid down involuntarily."  (Ie, if you have a trauma past, there is hope!)

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson

In a existential, mid-life crisis I found myself questioning my career choices.  I signed up for therapy, and reached out to other veterinarians.  I was giving too many f*cks about too many trivial matters.  I was taking the f*cks of others too seriously.   Other vets recommended the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.   I ask for your tolerance in advance for the language of this post, but the use of the F-bomb seems appropriate in the face of this book.  If you can't tolerate the use of that particular 4-letter word, this book is definitely not for you.   Just to keep my blog more consistent with my usual, I'm going to use the word flip instead.

So what is this book all about?  Basically if you asked Deadpool to rewrite a combination of Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and other self help books, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck would be the result.  It's fun to read with numerous anecdotes...and the profanity is significantly reduced in the second half.

We all are human beings...finite creatures with limited energy, time, and resources.  We will all have problems, but Manson encourages the reader to choose your problems wisely.  Choose what problems are worth the struggle!  We have a limited amount of flips to give so give them out wisely! Instead of focusing our life on outward values, inward values will bring greater content.  For example, if your goal is to be more successful than Bob, you won't appreciate your personal success as long as Bob is more successful than you.   Values like integrity, doing your personal best, work/life balance etc...will define your personal contentment.   Another theme of this book that provoked great thought was the concept that suffering leads to self improvement.   Suffering is expected and a normal part of life.  It's what propels us into becoming better people, better workers, better spouses...and better-ness in general.

Overall this was a fun summer read, but you can find the information presented more eloquent (more PC way) in other books.   There will be certain people that I recommend this book for, but not all!